I believe I have answered this in some forma already, however I think I have, not only reflected upon, but refined my snswer into something that is actually plausible and isn’t a complete shit show.
I blog because I need an outlet? Like, I need to have somewhere to go that isn’t exactly public but isn’t exactly a secret. It’s my proverbial ‘reading nook,’ you know, that place where you go to escape and read a good book. It’s usually somewhere small and confined (if you aren’t clausterphobic), that only you know about.
That’s what this is for me. This apartment is small and my ideas are big and my time is short.
I have much to give and I may have realized a bit too late. Or maybe I realized that I’m not as masochistic as I’d like to think. I’m not sure, but I know there is talent and a skill that has the potential to be valuable to everyone.
As bad as this is going to sound, being adopted has allowed me a strange disconnection to people around me. Not in that I don’t connect with them or love them, not at all. It’s just that, I have the ability to override my impulsive emotional grudges (those injustices that you cannot seem to forgive or let go of), and explain their actions or behaviors. I can take their lived experiences and live them right alongside them and understand the reasons for their choices. I think I have always had this ability and it’s become invaluable to me over the past few years, as I’ve had to employ an innumerable amount of different world-views and perceptions of a vast array of people.
But people are also foreign to me, it often feels like I’m a zoo animal or maybe, I am the person walking through the zoo. Actually, you know what it feels like, I just came to the conclusion.
It feels like Lindsey Lohan (a.k.a. Cady) walking into the mall (after the iconic, “get in bitch, we’re going shopping,” line) for the first time and describing the center of it as being a “watering hole.” Gosh do you remember how completely innocent Lohan’s character felt? Analyzing the behaviors and habits of everyone around her, and looking at them in complete shock and awe at them.
That’s why I blog, those feelings, those moments, and the emotions that arise in me upon their mention…..those things cannot be openly shared here, unfortunately. It can be stifling, yes. If you want to know the actual life I lead, read the book, “The Crane Wife,” that is what I am.
I am The Crane Wife and I am here to tell my story to all who will listen.