It is that time of year where creators plan to take part in ‘Blogtober’ or ‘Vlogtober’ and step up their blogging game. First of all, let’s get into …163 Best Fall & Blogtober Blog Post Ideas For Every Niche
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. Robert BenchleyOf A Kind
Do you practise self-care daily? If not you should be! It doesn’t mean you need to go out and get a massage or a facial every single day…. However, …The Ultimate List Of Self-Care: 75 Self-Care Ideas
Three years agoI had to call you your new name Your birth name was buried with tragedy and trauma There was times you slippedwhen you felt the day was good enough to be yourself Three years flew byWhen you called me all of a suddenI heard your name like a chime in the windsoft and […]People Do Get Healed
Honestly, the origins of my name are unknown. I only know that my adoptive dad wanted to name me Asia or Africa or something, which is kind of funny to me because my white dad saw my 23andMe that stated I was Nigerian and European (no Native American or Hispanic as was previously thought or lied about, who fucking knows haha), decided it was appropriate to say, right next to a hulking black woman in the waiting room of an abortion clinic,
“Well I guess we should call you Crayola.” With a head roll, an exasperated sigh, and the longest eye-roll I have ever seen. As he crossed his legs, adjusted his reading glasses, and went right back to idly playing solitare on his phone.
First off, that woman? There was NO way she wasn’t deaf. You have to understand my dad is 70-years-old, and if you have ever met a 70-year-old white man, you know that they aren’t quiet. Secondly, I’m pretty sure I have asked my adoptive mom where my name came from in some form or another over the years, but I found out from my biological grandmother that my youngest sister (whose identity I don’t know, and is living with her father as far as I know) was supposed to be named Jadelyn (jay-DUH-lynn), but either her father had her name legally changed or it could be as simple as changing their minds (even though I have no idea how you go from Jadelyn to Becky), your guess is as good as mine.
That kind of leads me to believe that bestowing a name upon me was a joint effort. I like the idea of that, and it was most likely one of the only times everyone was on the same page.
P.A.Moed of pilotfishblog.com selected ‘Motion’ as the theme for the Lens-Artists-photo challenge. It’s the most important topic for a photographer …Motion is the sign of life-Swami Vivekananda
The simple, and not at all philosophical answer is my daugjter, and maybe making my husband and parents proud of me, and nothing else. What’s actually kind of crazy is that I don’t really seek out my parents approval all that much? I’m adopted, so I don’t have that biological connection with them, and I’ve only really started to notice it as I watch my own daughter grow. If you want to see every bad habit or every bad tendency that you have ever had or thought reflected back at you like a mirror, have a child. That’s essentially what it’s similar to.
Truthfully, what REALLY motivates me, (at least in terms of aspirational career goals) it’s watching this new generation of teenagers and young adults actually CARE about other people and the communities they live in. I say this NOT to be preachy or political or whatever. I say it because if you don’t hold the belief that things will improve for you or other people, what would motivate you?
Motivation is a strange thing for me to talk about, I am a procrastinator by design, and new scientific data that has recently come out claims that people who procrastinate aren’t actually procrastinating. Behavioral science now believes that those who describe themselves as such, are selling themselves short because they tend to weigh the consequences of every decison they make, therefore taking longer when deciding on their careers, who they want to marry, and even small things like whether or not that Snickers bar is really worth cheating on your diet and feeling bad about it later. I take INCREDIBLY long to make even so much as an Amazon purchase, unless I feel like it’s the best quality product for my needs and is reasonably priced (the latter rule is sometimes ignored, I’ll omit) and within my budget. It took me up until 26-years-old to decide that I wanted to make a career out of writing. Although to be fair to myself here, I had no fucking idea that a writing career was even an option or attainable for me, until I read a book by Samantha Irby called Wow, No Thank You that’s a collection of personal essays similar to my writing style, that I even realized that I COULD be a writer. I didn’t realize that being a writer is an attainable goal for me, and the fact that I wasted so much time reaching this conclusion makes me want to kick myself in the throat.
If you want to know where my validation on writing comes from you’d never believe me but this is how much I consistently and systematically ‘Mark Twain’ my work, to the point where “proof reading” is unattainable. I will divulge the secret, even if it means death by sheer embarassment.
What motivates me to keep writing is the ‘Read Aloud’ feature on Microsoft Word.
I had to let that one KIND of hang in the air for a moment there because it’s the most honest thing I’ve written about so far haha. In all seriousness though I can’t stand re-reading my work, listening to myself sing, or watching myself dance to choreography. I think I write, sound, and look terrible. Every. Single. Time. When that happens most of my stuff ends up in the trash. I joke that I act like Mark Twain a LOT, but there is a story about him writing 300 pages (and you know, that’s by hand) of a novel, only to throw the entire thing away. The individual who witnessed this, described Twain as, “throwing it away in disgust,” as is the case with most of my work, seeing as none of it is published (professionally or otherwise). The ‘Read Aloud’ feature for anyone that hates their work, is an invaluable resource to me. It puffs up my confidence and motivates me to write even more because it doesn’t sound anything like me, as a matter of fact, I choose the deepest male voice that is available to narrate for me, narrate for me. I cannot view my own work objectively like that.
The moral of the story is that, while yes, my daughter and my husband DO motivate me, they aren’t what actually propels my personal growth foreward. A talent, a passion for said talent, and the time to capitalize on that talent (which, if you want to do it bad enough, you’ll make time for it, trust me) is really all you need to be successful. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t set your expectations SO high that not even the President of the United States couldn’t even reach them. Be honest about who you are and what you do, and opportunity (or motivation *wink wink*) will fall into your lap.
My husband and I are not immune to the perils that can occur in relationships. We have been through a lot together over the past 6 years, and unfortunately includes infidelity, poor coping mechanisms while going through the grieving process of losing a loved one, unintentional misuse of SSRI’s, and financial stability slowly waning due to numerous amounts of economic ruin in this particular part of the Midwest but I’m sure we aren’t the only ones struggling at the moment.
An interesting thing happened between my husband and his friend (who for privacy’s sake we will just call any of my husbands friends by the first letter of their first name) J. J, seems to have an issue with women and just moved back from living with his girlfriend in an entirely different state. When I politely asked about why he was so “heartbroken,” his reply was that she had “dumped” him (because that’s the word adults use to describe a relationship ending *insert exaggerated eye roll here*), his response was that he had slept with and talked to at leasst three other women, yet he was “heartbroken.” Then unbeknownst to me, J had asked my husband how he “got Madelyn to stay,” as if there is some magical trick to successfully talking and fucking other women while you’re currently being in a relationship (side note, COMPREHENSIVE SEXUAL EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS). My husbands response to this was that he wasn’t anything like J in that he didn’t lie, and that all he did was be honest and told me the truth, because at the end of the day I’m (meaning me) the one that’s always been there.
The woman that J was swooning over was way, way, way, out of J’s league and my husband is FAR more “high value” (as Kevin Samuels would have said, if he HADN’T been counseling married men, or I’m sorry, “life coaching” these married men, by telling them that “Women love it when men cheat” enthusiastically while being divorced and single, and then subsequently dying like 3 days later at 50-years-old, when the average life expectancy for black men is 71-years-old, although that is a significant fall from what it was previously, which was 74-years-old, he had a heart attack allegedly from fuckkkkinnnnggggg (sorry I’m kind of feeling a little goofy today, and it’s my damn life, I hardly think a few curse words on my own prsonal blog will harm me in the long run) too hard. Not that it matters, I want to be unabashedly myself, and I believe if you’re a writer, that’s almost a requrement. Howver, let’s curb my OCD for a moment and focus on the topic at hand.
Once again this leads me to my normal saying that literally everythig comes back to *clears throat* COMPREHENSIVE SEXUAL EDUCATION IN SHOOLS. My point for this piece, was to actually answer J’s question, in the hopes that the right moldable young brain may heed my words. I’m not going to say here that I speak for all women somehow becuause I understand “girl world” LESS as an adult than I did as a maleable young girl. What I AM going to say is that most women will be more likely to forgiv you, if you you are honest (or if you’re caught own up to it), take accountability for your poor decisions, genuinely regret it, are remorseful (in earnest, not just because that’s what she wants to hear), actually show that you’re making a legitimate effort to atone for your shortcomings, and when asked why you decided to sleep with someone else, when you are in a committed relationship, you do NOT reply with the words, “I don’t know.” J didn’t live in this state for almost a year and a half, and it seemed like he was doing a lot better mentally and in terms of preogression in life, it’s not as if he has unachieveable goals, he wants to own a business. Then as he’s processing his “heartbreak,” he’s simultaneously yelling like a crazy person, “If I can’t have her, no one can,” well nigga, it appears to me that you didn’t want her in the goddamn first place. BE SINGLE, one-night-stands didn’t just poof away with the #MeToo Movement, women don’t appear to be wanting to waste their time on men that do not have anything to offer in terms of assets or stability. Plus they’re doing shit like J is, whining and crying about how “heartbroken” and sad he is about “getting dumped” (Jesus what is up with the usage of that word lately? Broke up? Separated? No longer together? Can we fucking use adult language and hold back the urge to use middle-school slang?) when in less than two hits of a cigarette, he hastily added to his whining by laughing and saying, “Nah but forreal, I kind of ruined her life bro.” *Exaggerated eye roll, accompanied with an exasperated sigh*
My long-winded point here, is that, and once again as corny as it sounds, honesty actually is the best policy. My husband and I have always been very honest with each other. I mean really from the very, very beginning. I think that at the time, I was on the lookout for the “honestly trait” because I knew that that at the very least the last three people I had been in a relationship prior to my husband were everything and anything but honest. Yes, that includes my ex-husband T, as much as everyone would like to paint him as a “sweet young man” I’d beg to differ. T was an absolute bro, didn’t believe in depression and anxiety, was incredibly jealous (which if you know me at all, when someone tells me what to do, I immediately do the opposite. I’m very self-aware of the trait, and much like my righteous indignation to defend myself to the point where I look guilty, it’s one I cannot change for the life of me despite being aware of it.
My husband had an affair before we were married and there a re a lot of other couples that have been together far longer than me that have been able to work through their issues. When it comes to infedelity, it usualy means that someone in the relationship feels like their needs aren’t being met. If both are willing to look past it, and vow to grow and learn from the experience (and, you know, the person HAS to actually feel bad for doing it), then there is no reason to throw your relationship away. My situation (while I won’t go into too much detail to spare him some amount of embarassment because that’s what “instant Karma” feels like to be honest and I know that he has more than atoned for it.
The reasson I forgave my husband and what his dumb friend J fails to realize, is that he’s honest with me. I have always trusted my husband and when I found out, of COURSE, I was heartbroken? Who wouldn’t be? When you’re staying at home, watching the child you both took part in making and trying to be the “cool” and “laid back” wife that doesn’t mind if her husband has friends (yes even the female variety), or stays over at a friends house every once in awhile, because he was drinking (or doing other not so savory things) and didn’t want to drive fucked up. He communicates those things to me and from the very beginning of our relationship, I made sure to have boundaries. Obviously no serious ex girlfriends (unless you are trying to give me a new friend), if you’re running late just let me know so i dont worry (and that’s just kind of on the off chance that he hasn’t been texting me already, which rarely happens), and no “sleepovers” (the adult version of partying too hard) on worknights, and that we can both agree on. I forgave my him too because when he was finaly caught, he did tell me what was going on when all of that happened, while explicitly telling me he never should have slept with someone else, and that he absolutely was in no way maxing excuses for himself but he did ask me to “go a little easier on him,” where as under normal circumstances, I don’t think we would even be married at the moment. It’s kind of scary that it got that close to upending my life, hell my daughters life.
This is essentially what my husband said, as a matter of fact it’s fresh in my mind because we have that kind of connection with each other where we CAN laugh and joke about these things now, if not because I know that he hated himmself after the fact, but because we JUST had an extremely deep and heartfelt conversation about it, like not even four hours ago.
He told me that it was right after his father died unexpectedly and tragically from…you guessed it! A heroin overdose. The entire day didn’t even feel real, the funeral was a shit show only because the family memebrs who were “grieving” only cared about themselves, what the circumstances were when he died (i.e. did the person he was dating do this intentionally to gain an entire apartment because she was just kicked out of her grandparents place because her grandfather died, and her grandmother was put into a home and her entire family hates her because she kind of murdered her mother in the exact same way my husbands father died, albeit not in the hospital, which kind of implies that she’s a murderer, and now she wears a helmet because she doesn’t even know how to shoot herself correctly), and who was going to be receiving his things. After the funeral my husband and I were at each others throat, I mean, all of the time. You would be surprised at how differently we now communicate because of how bad it had become. I was Shipt Shopping and almost every night I would come home to all of my clothes thrown in the living room.
It was beyond chaotic here at the time, and my husband was using very poor coping skills to handle the heavy loss. Once we started fighting like we did when we were 21 and 20, I pretty much forced him to go use his employers fancy insurance and to look for a psychologist or primary doctor that can diagnose whatever this nonsense is because it wasn’t working and it was DEFINITELY not okay to be arguing like that in front of a Ham (the Ham is our daughter, and that’s a funny story for a different day) so I drew the line in the sand. That turned out to be beyond a mistake because this “doctor” I don’t feel even listened to him, and just immediately prescribed him Lexapro, and SSRI. I’m not sure if you rememeber the comment I had made in an earier post, but I’ll refresh your memory.
All of the clinical research studies that test the effectiveness of SSRI’s, it turns out, only a very few amount of people respond to them positively, and it mostly has to do with their genes. For my husband in particular the consequences of nearly EVERYTHING was way off in the distant future for him, because he told me that he really felt like he wasn’t going to live longer than three months. If you aren’t planning on making it more than a month or two, why on earth would you care if you cheated on your fiancee? Right, you wouldn’t. Not to mention he was secretly doubling up on the medication (which seems to be a universal, human, male trait when it comes to taking anything that’s prescribed by the doctor).
The next explanation I received was an understandably and absolutely believeable one, given that my husband and his dad didn’t didn’t necessarily end on great terms, and my husband took this extremey hard, it was his best friend, the person he could actually open up to and have with, and also the person that not only would call him out on his bullshit, but also offer a healthy amount of friendly (not always) competition between the two. My husband had felt like he was “on track” with his life before he died, and now he feels lost and like he doesn’t know what he’s working towards and when he and (we will call her P) P hooked up, he had a lot of money in his pocket, we were arguing nonstop as I mentioned. He told me that he felt that by doing that and going crazy that he would be able to prove to his father that he could do better than he ever did with him without him, not to mention destroying himself with almost all of the secret vices that people have and once every other vice that that was utilized could be utilized no more, the only vice left was sex (by far the one he’s the least interested in under any normal circumstances, sneaking around, lying, and trying to remember them all would undoubtedly be annoying to him, so in REALITY this was only gooing to be able to sustain itself for so long before it all fell apart and it did), and he omitted that he was nervous and guilty and was ashamed of it, but yet he still acknowledged that I would understand. The thing with P was that she had enogh integrity and was the most responsible out of the two (and given the favt that I was on Facetime with her all day because I had been tricked into a friend/threeway, and I know what you’re thinking, and yes. Men are fucking dog brains. Turns out Shane Gillis was wrong, it’s men that have absolute dog brains) and actually told me what had happened and that it had happened a very long time ago, (8 months) and even went so far as to say it was weird as fuck and he was weird as fuck, which as bad as I would have felt in that situation, I didn’t have much sympathy for him at that point because he could have just told me. I’m not even entirely sure to this day what on fucking earth my husband was thinking.
So to answer your question J, how he “got me to stay” was by being nothing like you. My husband doesn’t self-inflict misery on purpose, he self destructs a few days before every holiday, wilds the fuck out every July, and will only realize he’s spiraling until about three-fourths of the way down toward rock bottom, and then doubles down because of the embarassment he feels. He has actual mental illness and childhood trauma that needs to be dealt with not only for his own sake, but for his family’s sake as well. J doesn’t know how to or doesn’t want to be committed to only one inividual, but since society has made every male believe that women are only needed when men like that want them. You end up with a unch of J’s who continually chastize, objectfy, lie to, and use for sex, while still feeling like he’s fooled them well enough to think that after he goes and fucks multiple people throughout the span of one relationship, and then believes (falsly) that he can play the “pity me” card and not only convince everyone else he was wronged, but still living in denial by thinking that any woman would be dumb enough to know what you’re doing and not care. J is a loser, he doesn’t have much going for him, and quite frankly he’s a drug addict. I can’t stand anyone that complains about a situation that they themelves caused.
Honesty is the most important policy and women really aren’t all that complicated, we really only ask for very litttle, however asking a man to vulnerable might actually be a lot more than any of us could have anticipated. I’m aware that we as women work longer days than men and bear the brunt of the invisible work that makes this country function, but I think we need to be the “bigger person” (again), and educating ourselves of the sheer size of the lonliness and depression epidemic among men. At the end of the day we need them and they need us (no matter how many times I’ve asked myself whether or not we really DO need them, but I digress)
Actually, what’s kind of funny about this particular question is, it’s improved over time, significantly. Even now it feels like Cincinnati (really the 45 minutes surrounding Cincinnati) has gained rapidly. Corrupt officials going to jail, districting maps being challenged and sent to the state legislature, and gun rights being expanded in this area as well. Went a little backwards on the abortion debate but unfortunately, despite my distaste of the trigger laws that Ohio had in place, is hardly shocking to those of us that live here. I feel as if I have to mention the gun thing, we are still in the Midwest, people here have been trained from young ages how to use and operate handguns and especially rifles. There are “wild” parts of Ohio that still require the use of such firearms. Bears and cyotes if we want to be extremely specific…..oh and boars (if you were unaware boars are slowly taking over the country and ruining food production all across the globe and our government is doing absolutely nothing about it, look it up I’m being entirely serious, my source for this is Cody from Some More News on YouTube whose massive amounts of sources and citations I have scrutinized, and have found to be factual but I’m sure one Google search and you’re most likely to verify the claims). A lot of men around here also use rifles and some revolvers for competitons, some even include horses. What I’m trying to say, is that the gun issue isn’t one that is taken all to serisously around here, despite the Midwest and some parts of the South having higher rates of men who kill themselves with firearms than other parts of the country. I don’t think any of us have blamed the accessibility of guns for our loved ones mental wellbeing. In our minds if you fix the economic ruin and bring jobs back, fix the crumbling infrastructure, and actually fund public schools and make aquiring a college degree affordable for everyone, I’d argue that they wouldn’t feel as hopeless as they do. Honestly, if you see the amount of people that have died from addiction (heroin mostly, and by that I mean fetnyl because most if not all of the heroin around here is basically just fetnyl), you become enraged at the government, for making shit worse. Then there are peeple like J.D. Vance who is literally one of us, but has decided to exploit his success story and the thousands of addicts (not excluding their children) for significant gains in his political career. Screw him. Tim Ryan is from Youngstown, and I’ve neber heard a sentator or congressmen from here vouch for the midwest on the floor of the Senate, with FERVOR in my life. I didn’t mean for this to be a political ad but, man, what I love about where I live I feel like is under threat, so I couldn’t help but go off on that slight tangent. The abortion debate unfortunately isn’t an easy conversation to have here. There are a shit load of boomers here, and it’s even worse when you go towards Pennsylvania. It’s also apart of the “Bible Belt” or “Rust Belt” so deeply religious. Mostly Catholic, Methodist (fun fact Ulysses S. Grant was Methodist), Pentecostal, and Episcopalian. There is a fantastic book, (one of few engaging books about Ohio) it’s called Barnstorming Ohio, by David Giffels. He really captures the kinship of where I live and what it feels like to be apart of one of the most diverse places in the country. He captures everything I love about living here and all of the things I can’t stand about living here. Giffels manages to explain why the things we love and hate about this shit state, are the same reasons people like Dave Chappelle don’t want affordable housing near him despite having the financial stability to literally live anywhere the fuck he wants? Leaving most of scratching our heads saying some form of “why on earth would he WANT to live here?” I think we all secretly want to be here. Brene Brown preaches the importance of being in nature for children and the benefits it has for their development in the long run, creating resiliency and grit. Ohio has plenty of that. There is never a nature trail, fishing hole, or state/national park very far away. There are plenty of places to explore, vegetable stands to go to, and an innumerable amount of cows and corn. I mean A LOT, like, my friends and I, when I was a volunteer at a horse rescue, would joust with giant corn stalks on top of bareback horses. I love living here, and if enough people my age (or I’ll even take boomers who are informed and do not receive their news from Facebook) head to the polls (as corny as that sounds) we do have the ability to be set the example, and be like Kansas. So yes I guess this is political advocacy but I don’t give a shit, I grew up conservative and I hated it and it made me seek out acceptance and approval from people by doing things that would end up with me being in trouble, and it made me rebel and do things I would never do just because my parents said I couldn’t. I don’t want everyone to grow into adults and be unsure of who they are because they’ve been letting society dictate it for them. In all reality we rob ourselves of innovation and motivation when we exclude people who are different.