I don’t know what is even happening anymore, I don’t think this blog matters, I don’t think I matter, and I don’t feel like I’m being supported in this endeavor by anyone, hell half of them I don’t even WANT to them to read. Like, this was supposed to be my solitude, away from people and judgement where I can talk about things openly and now I don’t even know if I’m doing that right. I don’t know if this adoption thing and attachment theory garbage is what’s holding me back, but it’s a lot easier to pin the blame on when you have never felt adequate enough, nothing you try or do ever succeeds, and you have this one empty hole in your spirit that will not ever be filled. Not by children, my child almost makes it worse because I’m seeing that biological connection that I was robbed of and it’s bullshit. I WANT to be successful, don’t know how. I WANT to FEEL in control of my life and like everything I try isn’t a complete waste of time. This blog may not last long. I’ve been thinking of scrapping it for days now.