I admit, I feel like shit….

I feel like absolute garbage right now and I’m so tired of dealing with this ONE particular thing my husband does, (god this is going to sound corny, but fuck it) he pulls the literal “Donald Trump Card” when he’s wrong, and then he doubles down and concedes. The “red flags” for that “apology” to me, is nothing more than an insincere, half-assed, and the typical conservative tactic of ‘whataboutism’ by saying some form of the following:

“My bad” or “I apologize, for being crazy today,” He does this just too fucking satiate me sometimes, NOT because he’s listening to the actual words that I’m saying, for example, We were in the kitchen (and for reasons that I don’t feel like sharing on the interwebs) my husband was one in those rare moods where he allowed himself to party like he was at Woodstock ’99. I made the Ham (the nickname for my daughter) dinner, and typically this would include my husband, (my husband’s family struggles with addiction, so naturally; he copes with stress poorly and doesn’t allow himself to succumb to the way we USED to live, which means his attitude sucks and he’s far more irritable than usual) but tonight was one of those nights where I was extremely exhausted from the last crazy stretch of mania he went on (lasting at least over the last week and a half). So, too long.

I made a mountain out of a molehill, maybe, but I feel like any, normal, functional individual (as an outsider) would objectively see, all of the emotional burdens I carry for my husband every day, him being waited on hand and foot (granted you might have to remind me, but God forbid he just communicate that to me), and is permitted to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, would witness this and speak up, maybe declaring something like,

“Hey bud, my girlfriend is jealous and constantly accuses me of things that I do not do. You’re lucky. Maybe cut her some slack, you lowkey have been a piece of shit and an extra person (who constantly reminds you that he’s a “grown ass man”) to take care of, and maybe she’s frustrated because you’re better than that.”

That has not yet been expressed to my husband. Like, I’m not even 100% that this isn’t some weird manic/paranoid type behavior, that’s a new symptom and could be caused by my new life and environment. I just don’t have a fucking clue.

Do men think the self-inflicted misery they impart upon themselves is better than dealing with their emotions? Do they HONESTLY believe that the mental stress, emotional uncertainty, lack of safety, and reassurance that’s inflicted upon their wives and fiancée is somehow what these women want? Or beneficial to women? My husband’s friend, D literally came over here and said “can you rape your wife?” It was a jokey kind of statement that I didn’t have the full context of so I won’t judge it too harshly; I didn’t take it too, TOO serious, but that’s not an exception for men, like, 30% of the male population thinks you can’t rape your wife and I’d argue (once again) the solution to that is:

COMPREHENSIVE SEXUAL EDUCATION IN FUCKING SCHOOLS.

Seriously, once you look into all of the facets involved in almost all of the problems with schools, and young girls trying to transition into life as young women and adults, well…it kind of depends on how we raise our boys and we aren’t doing what we need to do as educators, politicians, and citizens who have to live, work, and operate in their communities. We need to start taking child developmentalists seriously, and be rid of this anti-science bullshit and start listening to them. We are turning boys into exactly what we don’t want for them, and teaching little girls to accept this behavior as normal. It has to stop

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